To my single women friends… I know so many of you, all beautiful, intelligent, self-aware, caring and passionate women! And women, not girls, for I know you’ve spent the time, you’ve put in the hard yards, the self-development, the focused growth as well as the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants trips.
At nearly 30, it’s time for me – it’s time to stop f*cking around (in the figurative, not the literal sense… ok, maybe both). It’s been fun, oh golly it’s been fun! But, in contrast to Samantha Jones, I’m done with great lovers, I’m ready for great love.
I’ve had it with Tinder dates, as an extrovert all they do is serve to massage my ego. Swipe right, a match! Banter ensues, I can play this game well. A date perhaps, ho hum, the standard series of interview-like questions, more banter, perhaps we kiss. Perhaps it goes further but the intention is all wrong – for how we start, so we go on. A partner is not like shopping for a pair of jeans. For no matter how much give in the denim, no matter how much you convince yourself that they make your butt look great, sometimes all you want is a beautiful silk dress that lets you move, lets you twirl and be the sensual woman that you are.
I want someone who trusts me, but who first and foremost trusts himself inexplicably, who is a gatekeeper of his own actions. For I hold myself to myself, prior to anyone else. I will take a leap of faith and know that if I fall – be it out of pincha mayurasana or out of steady employment – that I will catch me. And that the arms of my strong support network will parachute my landing.
I want someone who is comfortable in his body, as I am mine. Who doesn’t frame his physical appearance by that of others but who has learned that his body is just that, his body. A body can do great things, for it is a vehicle for action, for work, for play, for love. Someone who acknowledges that any muscle is only truly strong if it can tense firmly and also release fully.
I want someone who respects me, and who respects himself. The respect you give others, echoes the respect you give yourself. Self-respect doesn’t have to be perfect – for what is ‘perfect’ anyway? – it’s ok to still be working on things. Do we ever get all of our shit sorted? No, but we strive to make peace with ourselves, to not get so attached to the highs and lows of life, the pleasure and the pain. To ride on the waves of life but know when to steer through them, driven by truthfulness and passion.
I want someone who gets my humour, whose powerful mind plays at the pace of my own, who can keep up in conversational tennis. But who similarly knows how and when to quieten their mind. For we are more than our thoughts, more than our feelings.
I want someone who moves, who moves for the joy of moving, not because his FitBit guilts him into it. Someone who takes care of his health, who acknowledges that however impressive his guns are, if his mind if not well then neither is he. Someone who reminds me that sometimes a lie-in is exactly what I need, that yoga class will always be there but this moment will not.
I want someone who can be vulnerable, albeit after time. To lay one’s cards on the table, to be completely and totally vulnerable takes enormous courage – and requires a foundation of safety. Safety does not mean caution, safety means almost the opposite. When we feel safe, it is only then that we can take an honest leap of faith.
I want someone who fosters self-awareness but not through the eyes of “I am”. Who views his actions, his thoughts, his feelings through curious eyes in an almost-childlike manner. A manner that acknowledges the very human capacity for change and conversely, our capacity to be that stick in the mud. Because sometimes sticks need someone to sway them downriver, or to help them push roots down into that mud, grounding them in their growth.
I want someone who complements me, not completes me for he is complete in his own self. I want connection, not co-dependence. Safe enough in our own selves to run together in wild abandon.
So hold out my wonderful single women friends, have a little faith, keep the heart open. Because we freaking well deserve great love.